Should you let your kids win?

Should you let your kids win when playing board games or card games?
We’re sure that’s a question you’ve pondered before while playing games with your kids. You’re torn because you want so much for them.

• You want them to learn how to think critically.
• You want them to learn how to figure things out on their own.
• You want them to feel a sense of accomplishment for rising to the occasion.
• But you also want them to have fun. And if they keep losing when you play family board games, you’re afraid they’re never going to want to play again.

So what’s a parent to do?
How about you ask your kids.
In sitting down to write this article, I did just that – I asked our kids what they thought about whether parents should let kids win board games and card games on purpose. Here’s what they say…

Trevor – 15
“Probably depends on their age and how competitive they are. Also, if they’re the kind of people that like to win, then I would let them win every once in a while. But the competitive ones will also be the people that should feel the feelings of loss so they can learn how to deal with it – so they can become better in the future at winning more competitive games. I think it’s also ok to let some rules slide by for younger kids if they aren’t fully processing what’s going on.”

Jaden – 13
“It depends on the age. Older kids – you should try harder to beat them. But if they really don’t “get” the game, you could let them win once or twice. For younger kids, you shouldn’t try as hard to beat them and let them win more. But you have to win to let them know that they aren’t always going to win. They need to learn that lesson.”

Brooke – 10
Since Brooke’s answer surprised me, here are her actual responses.
Should parents let their kids win? “Yes.”
Why? “Because I’m a kid.”
So I should always let you win? “Yes. Because I never win.”
Should I let Trevor win? “No.”
Why not. “Because he’s not me.”
Should I let Caleb win? “No.”
Why? “Because I’m older than him”

Obviously this line of questioning with Brooke wasn’t getting anywhere. Brooke seemed to just be in a silly mood at the time. She smiled and laughed a lot while answering. But no straight faced questions could get her to change her responses. Having played tons of games with Brooke I know she doesn’t believe what she said.
As you can see from her videos, she’s pretty sharp and likes to play a variety of games and deals with the outcomes as they come.
But it was fun to ask.

 

Caleb – 8
“Sometimes they should. When they pretty much have never won that certain game before. ‘Cuz it’s not fun for the kid that never gets to win. So they should let him win for once.”
Should I let Trevor win in a game? “Only let Trevor win 2 or 3 times and then never.”

Parent’s Perspective
My assessment is more in line with Trevor and Jaden. In general it depends on two factors:

• The age and/or personal development stage of the child
• The type of game you’re playing

Age/Development
As a parent you’re very familiar with this process in other areas. At every stage of development for a child, you’re right by their side encouraging them on – helping them try to achieve their goals.

Take the basic example of learning to walk. Some kids will pick it up earlier than others. But regardless of when they pick it up, you’re by their side helping them along. You’ll start by holding both their hands and moving them along. Then you’ll advance to holding just one hand. Then you’ll let them go back and forth between you and your spouse, supporting as needed until they get a series of steps under their belt. And you’re all smiles the whole time.

As they get older and try to tackle increasingly harder challenges (reading, chores, sports, music, homework, etc.), you may adjust your approach a little, but your encouragement and help is always there. But for some reason, we forget this when it comes to games. Maybe it’s because, by design, games are more competitive in nature. Learning to walk isn’t a competition. But playing against someone to win seems to change our mindset. Well, let’s throw that out the window.

Since games are a great test bed for learning so many things, we should approach them in a similar manner. If you need to help your child along the road to accomplishing a hard task, then we say “go for it.” You won’t be doing it forever – just like you won’t be holding their hand to help them walk forever.

Type of Game
We also think the answer to this question depends on the type of game you’re playing. If a game contains a lot of elements of luck – dice rolls, spinners, random cards – then the chances to “let” your kids win will be limited. The control you have on the game outcome will depend on how much strategy is involved in the game – or how many decisions you get to make throughout the game.

Take a common beginner game like Candyland for example. This game is completely luck of the draw. You draw a color and move to the spot. You don’t have any control on the outcome. The purpose of this game isn’t about winning – it’s really about color recognition for very young children. But it may be hard to explain that to your child. So you’ll have to manage their outbursts when they aren’t in the lead even though they know they’re doing their very best.

Once your kids start to develop their critical thinking skills, you can start introducing games with more strategic elements. These are the games where you’ll be able to make sub-optimal choices to give your kids chances to take advantage and win the game. As they continue to develop and spot those opportunities more frequently, you’re into the next stage – playing the best you can.

And that’s where teenagers are a lot of fun to have around. Then you’re all working hard to do your best and having a lot of fun along the way.

Ask your kids
We know we started this way, but we’re serious about it. Don’t be afraid to ask your child. Being open about how the game is being played makes for a great conversation. Your kids will also know that you’re interested in having them develop their skills.

Some days they may want you to go easy on them and other days they’re up for more of a challenge.

And who knows – maybe some day you’ll be asking them to let you win.

If you’re interested in more opinions, check out what the dads at Father Geek think in their article Zen and the Art of Letting Your Kids Win.

Happy gaming!